Anti-Life Equation Found in "Emoji Movie," Heroes Advert Zombie Panic // Satire

Anti-Life Equation Found in "Emoji Movie," Heroes Advert Zombie Panic // Satire

*** SPOILER WARNING FOR DCEASED #1

***

Today was marred by tragedy, as earlier this morning the Justice League member Cyborg materialized in a re-released screening of the Emoji Movie after being held and tortured on the alien planet Apokolips. While the abuse of a beloved civil servant and superhero is always a sorrowful event, the hero's return came with some catastrophic casualties.

While on Apokolips, the technological hero merged with a cosmically powerful mathematical equation called the "Anti-Life Equation." Supposedly, control of this equation could lead to the subjugation and control of all sentient races, which was the exact intention of Cyborg's captor and Apokolitian dictator Darkseid. Unfortunately for the extraterrestrial, his experimentation with Cyborg caused a permutation of his intended techno-virus, resulting in a pathogen whose infected become ravenous and violent instead of docile and submissive. As of this writing, YDRC reports that Darkseid's experiments have led not only to the death of the cosmic tyrant but the destruction of Apokolips itself. Teleporting to Earth via an alien Boom Tube right before the planet's destruction, Cyborg would not let the threat of this virus stand.

Acting quickly, the hero put a firewall around his processor preventing the virus from spreading to most of the Internet. Excluding of course the theater's screening of the Emoji Movie, connected to all streaming files of the animated film by Sony Pictures. As a result, anyone viewing the Emoji Movie through digital cinemas or online streaming like Amazon Video and Vudu are now affected by horrifying Anti-Life. Worse still, those infected can transmit the disease physically through blood-to-blood transference such as biting.

"This is a devastating event," said hero of Metropolis and Justice League co-chairman Superman. "Thankfully, the virus is contained. We have Leaguers handling the last free-roaming infected right now, and there will be no more spread of the virus to any other screens beyond the Emoji Movie. However, I still feel just awful about the ones we couldn't save. Turned into monsters for just wanting to enjoy some wholesome all-American cinema."

Fellow Justice League member Green Arrow was also reached for comment and had a much different take on the ordeal.

"Oh, today was nothing," countered the Emerald Archer of Star City. "I mean we are talking about dozens of people watching a bad movie from last year? Maybe a few hundred, but that's counting all of the bite victims and is still a very charitable estimate. Either way, we fought Chemo in Washington last week! His farts nuked the Tri-State area, which had to take out twice that amount with radiation poisoning alone. Plus that's a silent killer! Not as quick as some poor bastard clawing his face out cause he wanted to shut up his four-year-old for 2 hours."

The Justice League is still apprehending the last of the afflicted as of this article's writing. Notable members of the Meta-Human community infected with the virus from watching the film include Wonder Girl, Killer Croc, B'wanna Beast, Toyman, Red Tool, Hawkman, Plastique, El Dorado, and Talia Al Ghul.

*This article is satirical and intended for humor purposes only. The events of its contents, while based on reality, are in no way meant to inspire anything other than the entertainment of our readers.

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