Man Threatened by Reality Pulls a Thanos on Avengers Movie // Satire
With Avengers: Endgame literally having smashed every single record on the planet for a movie, it’s a wonderful time to be a comic fan. Despite being over three hours long, the movie event of the decade contained a scene for just about everyone who had enjoyed Marvel movies or comics since ever. With one exception.
Enter Marvin Richard Archibald, who had a vision. We sat down with Mr. Archibald to have a brief chat over his decision to make a fan-edit of the recent Marvel masterpiece.
You Don’t Read Comics: So, Marvin, exactly how did you come to this decision? What made you decide to edit Avengers: Endgame down to less than half its length?
Marvin Richard Anderson: Well, I really detest when a movie makes me care for anyone or anything. Women, dogs, minorities, even other men. The movie made me feel things I just wasn’t comfortable with acknowledging in any way, and this was the only way I could process it.
YDRC: Interesting argument. I see here in the notes, you were able to make Avengers “Cheese-free.” That’s a very strange claim.
MRA: Yeah, that one was hard. I had to crop the movie in really strange ways so that Ant Man’s tacos and the Hulk’s omelets didn’t flare up my allergies. The movie footage wasn't spectacular, coming from a Chinese theater, and it makes the movie look like I captured it on a 2010 tablet, but it’s worth it to make visual continuity errors and music skips while I avoid seeing things that inconvenience me. That’s also why I made sure to cut out the roles of the women.
YDRC: ...you what?
MRA: I made sure characters like Pepper Pots, Valkyrie, Captain Marvel, Rhodey, and anyone else who isn’t a strapping white male reduced screen time. It’s why the movie’s so short now. I have a small bladder, so that was a priority alongside my desire to only see handsome white men.
*This article is satirical and intended for humor purposes only. The events of its contents, while based on reality, are in no way meant to inspire anything other than the entertainment of our readers.
**We here at YDRC do not condone the actions of anyone who feels the best reaction to a well-written motion picture that acts as a celebration of what makes comic books fantastic is to butcher the movie and act like the result is an improvement. By slicing out the emotional core of the film, it ruins the character arcs of almost every single character in the film aside from Spider-Man. We could go on, it’s hard to justify giving this attempt at sexism and racism any more attention at this time.
***And while we certainly did use a strawman argument with our pretend interview, those points of view stem straight from the cesspool of horrifying human remains that is the readme of the video. The fact that someone felt the need to justify his edits and couldn’t even come up with a reason that makes sense is laughable, and he deserves ridicule for it.